The 10 Most Awful Double-Standards Of Narcissistic People

Narcissistic people feel entitled to act however they want but deny others that same freedom.

People with narcissistic personality disorder or a narcissistic style feel entitled to act however they want. Yet, they often deny others that same freedom.

If you have to deal with narcissists, it is helpful to recognize 10 double standards they hold. People with unhealthy narcissism tend to be:

1. Outwardly charming but hellish at home. 

Like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, they may be magnanimous to outsiders. But when they come home, they can become demeaning, bullying, and selfish in ways they don’t show in public.

2. Thin-skinned but thick-headed. 

People with narcissism may pout when they are not the center of attention or rage at the tiniest slight. But when you have needs or hurt feelings, they may ignore your feelings or criticize you for being “needy” or “too sensitive”.

They may exaggerate their achievements and talents, telling whoppers that they appear to fully believe. But as much as they inflate their image, they undercut yours.

They may undermine your confidence by second-guessing your decisions.

When it is your turn to shine, they may ignore your success, spoil your big moment with a tantrum, or take credit for your accomplishments.

4. Reputation-conscious but superficial. 

Some narcissists may be obsessed with traveling in the “right” social circles and fixated on others’ opinions of them.

Yet, their relationships are often superficial, lacking authenticity and reciprocity.

Many narcissists go through life without having a close friend.

If you depend on a narcissist to be there when you most need them, you are likely to be disappointed.

5. Grandiose but fragile.

People with narcissism seek winning, praise, superiority, and power. Conversely, they fear the opposites: losing, ridicule, flaws, and weakness. Because of this, they rarely apologize or admit they are wrong.

When someone suggests that they aren’t all they are cracked up to be, their reaction can range from melting into self-pity to volcanic rage.

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6. Entitled but depriving. 

They expect affection and approval, yet give it sparingly. Like a parent who, when his child comes home in tears from a painful relationship breakup, abruptly launches into a rant about the person who cut in front of him at the checkout line.

Narcissists’ love and affection are conditional, offered up when you are in their favor but vanishing for reasons that may be hard to fathom.

7. Combative but defensive. 

Some people with narcissism seem defined by opposition. They pick fights, use sarcasm and personal insults, and always seem to have an enemy. Yet, they can become rapidly incensed if anyone dares to question or challenge them.

8. Righteous but brittle. 

Narcissists need to be right and in the know. They tend to view the world in right-or-wrong, black-and-white terms. They may be obsessed with cleanliness, order, details, rules, or schedules. But if their routine goes off the rails, or if they feel uncertain or humiliated, they may sink into despair or lash out with blame.

9. Attention-hungry but stingy in sharing the spotlight. 

Attention is a narcissist’s drug of choice. When others are talking, they may either zone out or become impatient until they can steer the conversation back to themselves.

Yet, while narcissists seek to stand out like a 5,000-watt bulb, they begrudge others a chance to shine.

If a loved one is in a good mood and a narcissist is not, the narcissist may delight in ruining the other’s mood, almost as though when anything positive happens to someone else, it is the narcissist’s loss.

10. Emotionally demanding but clueless. 

Narcissists give themselves full permission to rage, sulk, preen, and take up all the emotional air in a room.

Like a relative whose antagonistic behavior ruins a family holiday then acts blameless or clueless, narcissists seem unaware of the pain they cause others.

If you tend to expect compassion, reciprocity, and fairness from others, dealing with narcissists can be mystifying.

However, when you realize that people with narcissism are endlessly fighting to ward off threats to their shaky self-esteem, their behavior is less puzzling.

Knowing this can allow you to adjust your expectations and not take their actions so personally.

Everything I Wish I’d Known Before I Fell For An Abusive Narcissist

He was charming. Infectious, even. But I was always just his prey.

Tongue twisted. I was always tongue twisted. He was always catching me in “lies.”

The funny part was, I was never trying to be dishonest.

Constantly berating me with questions and accusations. It never stopped.

If this sounds familiar and you think it’s going to stop – you are kidding yourself.

I have learned that once you start explaining yourself, you are allowing someone to question your character. You are actually submitting yourself to their judgment without cause, forcing yourself to expend time and energy on efforts for nothing more than keeping someone’s ego at ease.

Stop.

They are deflecting your attention off of their own actions, and often times putting it onto something completely unrelated to who you actually are or what you are actually doing. More often than not, they are grabbing at straws and poking at things that may have happened in the past – or maybe even not at all.

How do I know all of this? I dated the devil for two years.

Saying ‘the devil’ may sound harsh to some of you, but not to those of you who understand what I have been through. After the abuse and the damage, it is the most accurate word that comes to mind. I might as well call it what it is.

If he constantly badgers you for more information on your sex life: Stop. Now. Walk away.

He does not need to know how many men you’ve been with. He does not need to know your last hook up. And he definitely does not need to know their blood type (yes, really).

He remembers every little detail, and if you say “5” instead of “6” next time he asks, you will immediately be branded as a full-fledged liar, giving him probably cause to never believe a word you say. He will always assume you are a cheater and a liar.

If you always feel as though he is trying to set you up for failure, chances are, he probably is.

Never mind if he hasn’t spoken to you the past two nights in a row, and you have reason to be upset with him. You are not allowed to question his behavior and your feelings are not going to be validated. Whatever questions and assumptions he has made about your character while he was out doing God knows what, are what matters. so just sit down, shut up, and prepare to answer any questions he may have.

Or — please, please, walk away.

Do not explain the last time you were promiscuous was four years ago.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell him you will do anything to prove yourself.

You will spend your life always explaining yourself. Defending who you are without cause, deflecting any questions you may have for him and instead spend your time looking for reasons why you may have left water around the sink…

Trust me, he will never be willing to do the same. And if he did have to explain himself, and if honesty was a factor, you wouldn’t want to be with him anyway.

There is no excuse, no justification, no logical reasoning for his actions. He just is the way he is, and you deserve better.

The 8 Stages Of Emotional Pain You Go Through When Breaking Up With A Narcissist

Recovery isn’t easy.

Breaking up with a narcissist is one of the hardest and most painful things you will likely ever do. You just went through one of the most intense relationships of your life with someone who alternated between making you feel like queen of the world one minute and making you suffer through nightmares that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy the next.

Recovering from this toxic relationship will send you on a roller coaster of emotions that can test your capacity for functioning well in the rest of your everyday life. The emotions feel so intense, it may seem as if they will last forever and you will never be happy again. They will come to an end, however, and you will find happiness again.

You’re likely to experience these normal emotions before things start getting better. You may not experience them in order and you may move back and forth between them. All of them fade over time though, and if you’re experiencing them, you’re on the path toward healing from the relationship.

1. Anxiety

There is no closure with a narcissist. He will either discard you, rage at you for rejecting him or plead with you nonstop to try to get you to come back because he doesn’t like taking “no” for an answer.

Regardless of how it happened, the ending was likely abrupt and painful, and now you’re on edge. You don’t know whether to be more anxious about if he will try to contact you or if he won’t. He has been a big part of your life, and the sudden end may seem overwhelming. You’ll have to reassure yourself that it’s truly over.

2. Obsession

You will ruminate over the relationship and find it hard to concentrate on anything else. There are so many unanswered questions: Did he ever really love you? Did he know he was hurting you? Which parts of your relationship were real? How could he have moved on so quickly?

5 Sneaky Things Narcissists Do To Take Advantage Of You

In popular culture, the term “narcissistic” is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. This reduces narcissism to a common quality that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms demonstrated by people with the actual disorder. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different.

People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy, and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative. Although I will be focusing on narcissistic abusers in this post, due to the overlap of symptoms in these two disorders, this can potentially apply to interactions with those who have ASPD to an extent.

It’s important in any kind of relationship that we learn to identify the red flags when interacting with people who display malignant narcissism and/or antisocial traits, so we can better protect ourselves from exploitation and abuse, set appropriate boundaries with others, and make informed decisions about who we keep in our lives. Understanding the nature of these toxic interactions and how they affect us has an enormous impact on our ability to engage in self-care.

Watch out for the following covert manipulation tactics when you’re dating someone or in any other kind of relationship:

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7 Sneaky Things Narcissists Say To Get You Back

Narcissists rarely ever admit to it, but all of your worst fears regarding your relationship are playing out just underneath the radar of your awareness.

You know that ever-present, vague sense of dread you have in the pit of your stomach, wondering if they’re lying or telling the truth?  That’s your intuition, which can cause physical sensations in the body.

However, empathic and intuitive people sometimes get themselves into trouble by not listening to their intuition, which is very common when they find themselves in relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths.

Admittedly, when it seems the narcissist will go to any length to get you back, it’s easy to mistake their trickery for genuine remorse and a desire to make things work when it’s really a calculated to appeal to your sentimentality and timed to catch you at a weak moment – often when you’re feeling vulnerable or reflective. It is a scheme meant to toy with your emotions in an effort to get you to soften up and reconcile.

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Stop Explaining to the Narcissist! Do This Instead

Possibly one of the hardest things for a narcissist’s loved ones to learn is how to stop explaining. It’s a natural response, but it’s also the exact wrong response with a narcissist. Here we will detail why that is, and what to do instead.

Why it Doesn’t Work

Narcissists look at things differently than the rest of us do. They are guided by emotion. Not logic, not reason and not intelligence. Emotion. This often causes their perception of things to be very, very different from other people’s. They view everything through the lens of feeling, and their feelings are generally negative, out of control and even frightening to them. This causes their perceptions and experiences to be negative and frightening to them as well. They believe feelings are facts. That’s not just a saying or a metaphor. They actually believe their feelings are facts. If they feel it, it must be true – regardless of whether it makes any sense or if they have proof or anything else.

Most people realize that feelings are not reliable. They sometimes make no sense, they’re sometimes irrational and they are certainly not facts. Most of us realize that high emotion can alter perception, and that events viewed through the lens of emotion are often not viewed correctly.

Narcissists do not understand this. They experience things exactly the opposite way. Events viewed through the lens of emotion are altered in order to fit the emotion. If they are angry at you, everything you do will be perceived negatively, no matter what it is. If you’re smiling, you must be laughing at them. If you brought them a sandwich or offered to share your food, there must be something wrong with it. Even things you did in the past that were OK at the time are now viewed through this lens and found to be evil. Yesterday, you were washing dishes together and laughing, having fun. No unkind words were said, there were no problems at all. Today, they see it as they were only helping you wash dishes yesterday because you forced them to do it so you can laugh at how much of a slave they are.

In reality, the narcissist’s “truth” changes with their emotions. When they are angry, you are bad and they hate you. You also hate them and are horribly cruel and evil. When they are happy, you are good and they love you. You also love them (or at least don’t hate them) and are not mean to them. It has nothing to do with actualreality, or anything you are actually doing. It is all based on unreasonable, irrational and faulty perceptions. Instead of being seen as an individual human being with your own feelings, you are simply seen as a walking mirror of the narcissist’s feelings about themselves.

Why We Still Try

Because of this hugely divergent way of seeing things, people who are dealing with a narcissist often find themselves looking for a way to bridge the gap. They find themselves constantly explaining to the narcissist that the narcissist’s perception is incorrect or faulty, that the narcissist is adding the wrong things together or coming to ludicrous conclusions based on things that aren’t real, weren’t said or didn’t happen. This is understandable. Rational adults speaking to other adults are going to use reason and logic to try to get their point across. What else is there to do? This usually works in most people’s lives. Compromises are reached, points are made, life goes on.

The trouble comes when you find yourself dealing with a seemingly-normal, cognizant person who, five minutes ago was speaking with you like a reasonable, intelligent adult and who now cannot understand even a basic point you are trying to make or simple words you are saying. Worse, they seem to have misunderstood you terribly and are now angry, upset and offended. So what do you do? As a rational, reasonable person, you try to explain. In most situations, this would be the right thing to do. With narcissists, it is the exact wrong thing.

In actuality, there’s been no misunderstanding. At least, not one of the kind most people believe. The misunderstanding is not from you to the narcissist. It is within the narcissist themselves. They did not hear you wrong. They did not misunderstand what you said. What happened was that they reacted to their own emotions and blamed it on you. It really has nothing to do with you at all. When you brought them that sandwich, your motive was simply to do something nice and give them a sandwich. They didn’t misunderstand that because they did not consider that. They don’t care what your motive is. Not really. It’s all about what is happening on their internal landscape. And all they are hearing inside is, “You’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re garbage, you’re worthless, no one loves you, they are all laughing at you, they don’t care about you…” You just got caught in the crossfire.

You can try to explain that your motives are not negative, that you don’t hate the narcissist, you don’t think they’re garbage, or whatever else but the narcissist has been listening to this internal dialogue their entire life and they are completely, utterly convinced of it. They’re never going to believe you. They’re not even going to hear you. Ever notice that it seems like they are listening – and responding – to someone else when you’re talking? Someone who is saying completely different things than what you are saying?That’s because they are.

A Deeper Understanding

Narcissists expect to be treated badly because of this very thing. They therefore look for evidence of it in every single thing other people do. And of course, they find it, mostly because they push and provoke and harass and refuse to accept anything else.

For instance, a wife is speaking with her narcissistic husband. It’s the classic narcissistic argument, where no matter what she says or how she says it, everything that comes out of her mouth is hurtful, hateful and wrong. The wife is attempting to explain to the narcissist reasonably and logically that his accusations are senseless and untrue. As she is talking, she calls him “honey.” The narcissist replies, “Don’t call me honey” in a disgusted tone of voice. The wife loses her cool and replies, “Fine, [expletive]. I won’t.” The narcissist then says, “That’s more like it.”

Now, this was no doubt intended to be a knock against the wife, to imply that the wife using terms of endearment is fake or insincere because she is so horrible and abusive. But it really says more about the narcissist than anything, doesn’t it? They cannot accept being treated respectfully. It jams their radar, so to speak, and makes them very uneasy. Since they expect to be treated badly, they are constantly on edge, waiting for it to happen. They will often cause an argument or accuse someone of treating them badly for no reason simply to fulfill this expectation and ease their internal tension. Sometimes you can actually see the relief on their faces.

Explaining in these situations is useless. You will not get anywhere. Not only are they not listening, they don’t want to believe you. They want to believe you are evil. It makes them victims. It makes them the center of attention, and most of all, it makes them right. If they have to accept that you are not evil, then who is to blame for all these problems? There’s only one person left. In the narcissist’s cartoon, comic book view of the world, there always has to be a villain – and a hero, by the way. If the villain isn’t you, it will have to be them and if that’s true, then it means that everything that voice says to them is right. Don’t forget, narcissism is nothing but a defense mechanism against that little voice. That little voice says they are evil, horrible, disgusting vomit on the ground, so in self-defense, the narcissist creates a false self that is the total opposite of that.

A hero, in other words.

However, someone has to be evil, because all that hurt and bile and anger and bitterness has to go somewhere. So it has to be you. You were once the hero, when the narcissist first met you and you were perfect, and you were going to save everyone and make everything great. But you revealed yourself as a lowly human with no special powers and worse, you revealed that they are a lowly human with no special powers, either. So you’re now the villain in this story and you can never be anything else.

Beyond that, they like that you keep trying to make them understand that you love them. They like the futility, the sincerity, the fact that you keep trying and keep jumping through those hoops for them. They don’t believe you and they never will, but they love to hear it just the same. They like frustrating you and upsetting you and sucking your life force out one pointless argument at a time. Explaining is really only feeding their egotistical need for attention in the end because they aren’t going to believe you. They don’t want to and even if they did, the voice of that brutal superego that piles them on with internal abuse 24 hours a day would never let them.

Their disorder is set up so perfectly that exactly the things they need to hear and understand in order to change are exactly the things they are programmed to deny and block out the most. It’s really sad, when you think about it. Because of that blind spot, they simply self-destruct over and over and over again. They are some of the most miserable people alive, and they walk around their entire lives never realizing they are doing it all to themselves. There are none so blind as those who refuse to see.

What to Do Instead

It’s very easy, then, to get caught in the trap of explaining. When a problem is so easy for us to see, of course we will try to make the other person understand. “Hey, you can fix this! All you have to do is stop doing this!” As a rational adult person, that’s what most of us do. We attempt to communicate. If the communication is getting fouled up along the way somewhere, we try to fix that so that we are heard and things can be resolved.

The problem is that in this situation, the lines are crossed in a place where you can’t reach or affect them. It doesn’t matter how you say it, or how many times you say it. They are not going to hear it. They can’t and they don’t even want to anyway. There is too much at stake for them to believe you, and because of that, they never will. There are many people right now suffering in relationships with narcissists and holding onto hope that things will change. Holding onto hope that if they can just somehow explain it right, the narcissist will finally understand. But their brain does not work like yours does. The reality is, the chances are 1000 to 1, because these people have a vested interest in things staying exactly the same way they are right now.

When the narcissist accuses you of something that isn’t true, or when they have their patented “misunderstandings,” simply tell them that they are entitled to their opinion and leave it at that. You can say, “I’m sorry that you feel that way, but you’re entitled to your opinion,” or “I disagree with that, but you are entitled to your feelings.” There is no reason to get bogged down in semantics about what was actually said and how it was said, or the ulterior motives that you don’t really have or any of that, because it is a waste of time. It goes nowhere and it never ends.

If you say the things suggested here, it asserts that you disagree with their interpretation but it does not feed into their need to create chaos in order to get attention. It does not reward the behavior, in other words. If you’ve read the article entitled, How to Break the Drama Cycle & Stop Reacting, then you know that narcissists often don’t know how to respond to this kind of non-reaction at first. A lot of times they will push harder and provoke more, trying to get a reaction out of you – which is all they really wanted in the first place. Hold your ground and don’t give in. Some people have difficulty doing this. They don’t like “letting the narcissist get away with” the things they are saying. That’s understandable, but it’s counterproductive. A fair response to that feeling is, if you roll around in the mud with a pig, all that will happen is you’ll get dirty too. Do yourself a favor: stay clean.

9 Signs That Confirm You Are Finally Getting Over Your Narcissistic Ex

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a draining experience because their personality disorder gives them a need to control and manipulate people and daily situations. You have probably known for quite some time that the relationship was unhealthy and going nowhere, but eventually, you must take a stand and move on towards your happiness.

The most important thing to remember is that it’s not your fault that the relationship failed. Their personality disorder makes it impossible for them to be a supportive, loving partner. It’s also important to remember that you can’t fix their issues. They need professional help to get over their emotional unavailability and manipulative behaviors.

Unfortunately, narcissists very rarely confess to their own mistakes, so most of the time they never make a true attempt to change. The best thing for the victim in this scenario is to move on and improve their own life without the narcissist. Here is a list of ten signs that prove you’re over your narcissistic ex, it takes some time to heal completely, but it’s worth it in the end.

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11 Signs You’re A Narcissist’s Worst Nightmare

1. You used the pain they gave you as fuel to create your greatest victories. Whatever adversity you went through due to this person, you’ve used it as a platform to rise higher and become more bold than you’ve ever been. Time and time again, you’ve channeled the toxicity of their actions into your success. Everything you learned from this relationship has been used to rebuild your life, redesign yourself and come into your full power.

2. You know how to self-validate. Narcissists love making their victims dependent on them for validation and approval. When a victim is able to self-validate and knows deep within how beautiful, successful, talented and worthy they are, it’s deeply unnerving to them. They are drawn to our confidence because they want to squash it and establish their so-called superiority. Fortunately for you, your ability to self-validate allows you to move on from a narcissist’s mind games without so much as a second glance. You don’t need their approval, because you already approve of yourself.

3. You don’t wait for answers – you give yourself closure. Rather than waiting around, pining for the narcissist to acknowledge everything you had together, you were able to give yourself closure and leave your toxic partner, friend or family member in the dust. This means no matter what they put you through, you’ve been able to walk away with your head held high in dignity. Despite any lingering self-doubt, you know deep down that you are better off without this sick and toxic person in your life.

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14 Psychologists Describe What It’s Like To Treat A Narcissistic Patient

1. God, he is an asshole.

“I’m working with one right now. It is extremely frustrating. He is not coming to see me because he needs help with his narcissism, he is there because he is ‘depressed.’ He is not depressed. At all. He has manipulated his way into getting disability payments from the VA for depression and comes to therapy to continue establishment of this pretend issue. It is really hard as I am newer in my career as a therapist and he constantly attempts to manipulate and challenge me. He is desperate to figure me out, always trying to talk to me as if I am his peer and he is a therapist as well (wants me to analyze others in session with him).

Right now we are working through how to manage his frustration with people he finds are beneath him/unhelpful in advancing his facade he has built. It’s gradual, but I doubt I will ever directly work with him on the narcissistic aspect. He believes his therapy is for depression and I have to treat him from that point of view.

But God, he is an asshole.”

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12 Things Good Men Do That Narcissists Can’t Ever Offer You

There are many things that separate narcissists and other toxic people from what we consider to be ‘good men.’ These things are really important to be aware of since most narcissists are, as I like to call them ‘wolves in sheep’s clothing.’

Narcissists will start off as the perfect man. They will come in and sweep you off your feet. They will treat you like you hung the moon in the sky and tell you that you are all they ever need in life but they are lying. People like this are only looking to use you for their own gain. Narcissists may be charming and come off as perfect in the beginning but as time goes by their mask will come off and you will see them for who and what they truly are.

I know what it is like to fall victim to a narcissist and it fucking sucks. A relationship with a narcissist is one of the most toxic kinds of relationships a person can have. Below you will find a list of things you will find in a ‘good man’ that you will never be able to have if you stay in a relationship with a narcissist.

You deserve all of these things. If you are in a toxic relationship, please consider doing what is best for you. Your wellbeing is important and you have a life that needs to be lived.

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