I asked the Community this week, what people would like me to write about in this week’s upcoming blog article.
The most common request people asked about was, “How can I trust again?” …
It’s a great topic, and I’m really going to enjoy talking about that with you.
So here goes ….
One of the cruel ironies of life is this … protecting ourselves and being distrustful is counterproductive in regard to granting us healthy and trustworthy experiences.
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Not trusting Life and others doesn’t feel good in our body and doesn’t make for healthy, happy, loving connections either.
Intuitively we all know we need to SOMEHOW trust. We need to feel loving and open and accepting of other people’s energy in order to have any chance of participating in and enjoying our life and sharing life and love with special others.
So … protecting ourselves is clearly NOT the answer to a happy, healthy life.
When we are fearful of who and what we can trust, we would like to think that being “distrustful” can help us … that it will somehow protect us.
Yet it doesn’t. In fact, we are more likely to continue to experience people and situations who hurt us, who we find out weren’t able to be trusted.
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If you’ve never been in any kind of a relationship with a narcissist – be that romantically or because you have one as a family member – consider yourself very fortunate.
Narcissism is one of the most toxic personality traits a person can have, and can do untold damage to the people around them. Their lives revolve around their own wants and needs, how much other people love them, and how best to manipulate other people to get their own way.
Below are a few examples of the kinds of things that narcissists are incapable of doing for anyone, let alone someone they claim to care about.
1. Give A Sh*t About How You Feel
Narcissists will hurt and damage those closest to them more than they’ll ever realize, and the worst part is that they don’t give a sh*t.
They’re literally incapable of giving a single salty f*ck about what kind of pain they’re causing to their supposed loved ones, and so unless those close to them take action to distance themselves, the cycle of abuse and pain will go on forever.
Those who choose to stay might as well get used to the idea that they’re not allowed to express their own emotions. They have to walk on eggshells to keep the narcissist happy, and thus refrain from attacking them somehow.
After all, if you say that they hurt you, they’ll turn around and make you feel like a bad person for upsetting them by saying so.
If you were unlucky enough to find yourself divorcing a narcissist, there’s bad news I have to break to you: The money is never coming back. Ditto that one-of-a-kind piece of blown glass he said he bought and you finally gave up because it was just too expensive to have lawyers exchange emails over that wonderful piece of the Aegean you purchased on the honeymoon with your own hard-earned cash. These are the property losses, some sentimental and others merely about dollars and cents—even lots of them—and it’s time you took a deep cleansing breath and simply forgot about them.
Ditto the time you spent in the relationship—Gone, gone, gone, unless you can get your hands on a flux capacitator, a used DeLorean, and a dude with white hair which, all things considered, is highly unlikely. Maddening, to be sure, but the spilled milk adage applies and a sponge is what’s called for, not self-blame or even tears.
So, what about the other stuff that got stolen? Well, that’s the part I want to focus on because I’ve yet to meet anyone recovering from a narcissist who doesn’t feel like the rifled and empty shelves of a robbed boutique. This piece has been written from a woman’s point of view because all of my interviews were women; that said, women are narcissists too and men also bleed. Feel free to switch up the pronouns.
Post-mortem on the robbery
It’s what you didn’t see about the guy in question and your misunderstanding of his motives that allowed you to hand him the keys to the store. No, I’m not blaming but to move on, you have to see how the robbery happened; we’re playing detective here. Mind you, these folks are very, very good at what they do which is primarily manipulating others and writing a script for the relationship, neither of which is immediately clear. That script, by the way, has its ups and downs so you’re much more inclined to attribute the rhythm to passion than to orchestration; he’s a master of the snow job, the doer of good deeds and sweet gestures when he needs to get you back on track. Dream vacation? Check! Extravagant flowers just because? Check!
Little research on narcissistic parental alienation exists, and many who have experienced this aspect of narcissism are desperate to find help. This article is written to address the issue from a psychological perspective only, in an effort to provide those coping with this situation with tips and strategies. However, it is also possible to seek legal assistance.
Before I go any further I want to take a moment to define what narcissistic parental alienation syndrome is. It refers to the psychological manipulation of a child by an alienating parent (the parent with narcissism). The manipulation typically results in the child’s rejection, disdain, and lack of empathy towards the other, targeted parent. While parental alienation may occur even when narcissism is not a factor, for the purposes of this article, I will discuss parental alienation that has been instigated by a parent with narcissism.
If you are the “targeted” parent of this syndrome, or if you are trying to help a targeted parent, then the following strategies may be helpful.
What is the best revenge against a narcissist?
This question is a search term which someone used online which brought them to my blog. Whether they found what they were looking for or not, I don’t know.
And I don’t know what the best revenge against a narcissist is.
I could relate my own experiences of the narcissists whom I have know and had to live with and deal with. But I did not go down the revenge route, other than the living well is the best revenge path (and it took me ages to figure that out and then do it).
I could say – Don’t go down this path, it is not recommended by me, not if you’re dealing with a real narcissist, someone with NPD, rather than just someone whom you think is a narcissist but isn’t one. If they are a real narcissist – you’ll be sorry. If they aren’t a real narcissist, you’ll be sorry in a very different kind of way.
I could scroll through my memory banks for times when people managed to get the upper hand over my parents. It’s not that difficult to remember those times as I usually ended up paying for someone else’s victory rather painfully, and painful memories are hard to forget (I’ve tried a billion times to do so… sometimes it is better to let them be as is, or use them in a constructive, inspiring way). Recalling what those people did to get their victory over my parents is harder than recalling the consequences of it.
The type of narcissist that most of us think we’re familiar with is the stereotypical one usually portrayed in films and television. This is a person who’s loud and brash, puts others down for their own amusement, needs to be the center of attention at all times, and never mind what you’re talking about: let’s talk about them again!
In contrast, an introverted narcissist is a bit more difficult to spot. They also crave attention and admiration, but they’ll do so in ways that are more passive. They might martyr themselves for a cause so others will praise their apparent selflessness, or play the victim in a situation in order to garner sympathy.
They’ll use their shyness to rope people in who will do their best to nurture them, reassure them of how special and giving and kind they are, and then turn around and vilify their White Knight if they dare to pull back and stop lavishing them with praise.
This kind of covert narcissist can be equally as damaging to people as an overtone, but so much more difficult to spot. It’s fairly easy to recognize a standard narcissist based on their behavior, but a covert one might take months to reveal themselves… and by then, the damage has already been done.
Here are some things to watch out for when you think you might be dealing with a covert narcissist:
Not all narcissists are created equal. As convenient as it might be to paint them all with the same brush, this complex personality disorder can be described as more of a spectrum than a singular, fixed, inflexible type.
This poses the problem of how to identify and respond to narcissistic abuse that may otherwise be confused with your more typical (and therefore more socially acceptable) relationship dynamic.
This moderate form of narcissism is often subtle and less easily detected, and while the resulting psychological damage to the victim may be less severe, it is nonetheless present.
So how do you spot a moderate narcissist? How do they differ from other narcissists and your regular person who doesn’t suffer from this disorder?
Lack Of Empathy Vs A Total Disregard For Feelings
Feelings that originate externally to the narcissist (i.e. those of other people) are seen as utterly foreign objects. Foreign like a language other than one’s mother tongue – almost incomprehensible; objects in the sense that they are abstract and devoid of life.
This is because all narcissists lack the empathy to step into another’s shoes and recognize the thoughts and emotions they may be having. There are, however, varying ways they may approach these alien bodies.
Last week we focused on the basic signs of a narcissistic personality. This week we’ll focus on ways to cope with people who exhibit traits of narcissism.
It’s almost inevitable to meet a narcissist in your neighborhood, at work, in the grocery store, at the movies, or even at your doctor’s office. In fact, some research claims that narcissism affects about 6% of our population (1 in 16 American adults). Although this is not an overwhelmingly large number of people, it is still a lot of people. From a clinical point of view, there is probably much more narcissism that we are aware of and/or are able to accurately identify in daily life. Almost anyone in today’s world could be considered a narcissist by a loose definition. Sadly, most people describe narcissism as “extreme selfishness.” But it includes a “disordered” way of engaging with other people, especially once they are found out.
Thankfully, those of us who study psychology for a living have found ways to identify the narcissist. It’s important that you are able to:
- Ignore their “best” efforts: A narcissist thrives on the ability to influence, control, or “move” you in any way they can. If you ignore them, you will see a major change in their behaviors toward you in a negative sense. You may see them act out in rage or anger, threaten, make accusations, or attempt to intimidate you in some fashion. No matter what, ignore their best efforts. You will come out on top. The moment you “lose your place” and begin to respond to their petty attempts at controlling or harming you, you lose the battle.
Psoriasis is an inherited skin condition characterized by raised, scaly, red-pink areas with red borders. These scaly areas of the skin are known as psoriasis plaques, and they are not contagious. You’re most likely to see these plaques on the scalp, groin, lower back, elbows and knees, although they can occur anywhere on the body. You may notice that they “come and go,” perhaps triggered by stress. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, more than six million people in the United States suffer from some form of psoriasis. Taking regular salt water baths, at least once a day, may help reduce psoriasis symptoms.
Fill the bathtub with lukewarm water. You may use cool water instead if you prefer, but you should avoid hot water because it might increase your psoriasis symptoms.
Use a plastic measuring cup or a plastic scoop to measure out two cups of Epsom salts into the bath water. If you pour the salts in beneath the inflow of water from the tap, they will dissolve faster, and you can sweep your hands or feet through the water to help circulate the dissolved salt evenly. You might also scatter the salts throughout the water right away.
Sit or lay in the bathtub and let it fill until the water covers the parts of your body affected with psoriasis.