What to do when you are bullied by a narcissist
From your perspective: The narcissists’ behavior has nothing to do with you
The effects of dealing with a narcissist every day, be it your spouse, partner or a family member, are detrimental on your own self-worth.
Yes, their love might return if you could just be slimmer, look younger, work harder, serve better.
Yes, they might see the error of their ways if you become the person they want you to be. It is easy to believe that it is you who is wrong, unacceptable and unworthy.
But it is imperative to remember that the way they treat you has nothing to do with you not being good enough as a person!
It is the narcissistic personality that takes advantage, doesn’t care much for others and uses them for their purposes. It is not a reflection of you or your worth!! It doesn’t mean you are a failure or unlovable!
Narcissists will treat everybody the same. They don’t know any other way to boost their self-worth than leaching it off others. It is not your fault!
The narcissists’ behavior has everything to do with you
We can’t choose our parents or siblings. And we certainly aren’t actively seeking a love relationship with a narcissist.
But you are stuck in the co-dependent relationship with a narcissist because your own self-worth is low. Deep down you feel unlovable. And you compensate by pleasing others. You only feel worthy of other people’s love if you do what they want, provide what they need and look after them.
Let’s face it, it’s the much nicer way to compensate for low self-worth! But it is still compensation.
It is fundamental that you boost your self-worth by realising that you ARE worth. You are loveable! It is your essence and nobody can take it away from you. You are good enough! No matter what! Even if the narcissists make you feel interior. This is just their (much less nice) way to compensate for lack of self-worth.
What to do if you feel trapped in a relationship with a narcissist
If you find yourself involved with a narcissist, it is crucial to realise that you are not a victim. You have a choice:
- You can do whatever they demand and hope that it is enough. But you will live in constant fear that they will abandon you if your efforts aren’t up to scratch. Sooner or later it will destroy you, leave you anxious, depressed, unfulfilled and jealous. You will never have their unconditional love. No matter how much you do for them, how much you change and distort to please them. Not because you aren’t worth it. Just because they are unable to give it. Not only to you, but to anybody.
- You can stick with them in the hope that you might be able to change them, fix them, make them see the error of their ways. It works in Disney movies, right? But the sad truth is that you are likely wasting your time. I know it hurts. I know you want to save them. Want them to see the world the way you see it. But you are not responsible for teaching them, convincing them or even forcing them to change. You are responsible only for your own happiness in this one lifetime. The question now is: can you really be happy with them in your life?
- You can leave. I know this is the most terrifying option. Your life will be turned upside down. You might have to fight your way out. Suffer the narcissistic rage. Start all over. But your freedom will be worth it. I realise it is an overwhelming, frightening thought now but you deserve better. You ARE worth!