As I have learned over the past couple months, it’s harder to let things go and go with the flow than it is to hold onto whatever bad things are happening in my life. In the last month, I’ve had experiences with people I was am not fond of and I have had to learn how to bite my tongue and be the bigger person in the situation instead of losing myself. I also have had to face the one person I never want to face: myself.
For so long I beat myself up for not being perfect and being ugly when both of those things were not true and completely unrealistic. They both were factors in my low self-esteem that chipped away at my relationships and made it harder for me to believe the compliments people would give me. I couldn’t be happy with myself and walk away from things that didn’t make me happy. I let all of the unrealistic and completely untrue things I internalized were true rule me and pull me down into self-hate and self-doubt.
I can say now I am working on building myself up. It’s a hard habit to break when you have always been your own enemy instead of your best friend. There are many days where sometimes I can fall back into bad habits and be hateful to myself. These are hard days because I will have to fight with myself to regain the ground I earned. These are days when I find it easier to lose energy and give in to many of the demons that lurk in my mind. Then there are other days where I can look in the mirror and see past all the flaws and everything and see the good and great things about myself and go through my day, content. These are easier days and I find it easier to breathe and my mind feels lighter.